


*off key kazoo*

by anD_nOw_tHe_wEaThEr (CryMeARiver3465)



Category: Keeper of the Lost Cities Series - Shannon Messenger
Genre: Cassius Sencen's A+ Parenting, Comedy, Dex is short, Everyone Is Alive, F/M, Found Family, Friendship is Magic, Gen, Human stuff in elf society, Keefe Sencen & Tam Song loathing to friendship, Marella is an activist, Memes, No Plot/Plotless, Protect Linh Song, Sophie and Dex are NERDY COUSINS, Sophie is sleep deprived, Tam is actually a SWEETHEART deep inside, Team as Family, We Just Love Each Other, We do not like alden here, and laugh, forget about the pain of canon, i just love friendship dynamics, just come have fun, let sophie say fuck, protect Keefe Sencen, quotes, rated for 1 swear, sitcom vibes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-21 20:26:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30027372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CryMeARiver3465/pseuds/anD_nOw_tHe_wEaThEr
Summary: Linh: Why are you smiling?Tam: What? Can’t I just be happy?Fitz: Keefe tripped and fell in the parking lot.~~AKA: Incorrect KOTLC Quotes compilation. Memes, jokes, and just general shenanagins that we all just really need at this point. Minimal angst, ultimate comedy.
Relationships: Alden Vacker/Della Vacker, Anyone & Everyone, Dex Dizznee/Stina Heks, Edaline Ruewen/Grady Ruewen, Everyone & Everyone, Keefe Sencen & Tam Song, Sophie Foster/Keefe Sencen, Tam Song/Biana Vacker
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	*off key kazoo*

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo! 
> 
> I raided the internet, and because I love these, i was like, “Why don’t I use them for KOTLC?” So I did. Enjoy stolen comedy! I own nothing but my own creativity, wherever you see it! Credit to anyone who came up with these, originally, you, my friend, are far funnier than I ever can or will be. I assigned the characters their lines on my own, however, since we all look at the same characters and try to guess at their reality, if you've seen something similar with the exact same characters... it was not a direct rip off, but rather a similarity of brain pattern.
> 
> Great minds think alike, after all!
> 
> All ships are implied, so you can probably read this and ignore the ships mentioned in the tags, but whatever. I tried to mix in as many dynamics as possible, so I hope you find something that satisfies a little corner of your soul that you needed to be filled with a certain KOTLC friendship. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Title comes from a tumblr post that goes something like this:
> 
> "(to the tune of The Final Countdown) It's a mental break down!"  
> "*off key kazoo*"  
> "After Vine died we are reduced to text-form vines."

~~~~~~

Linh: Why are you smiling?

Tam: What? Can’t I just be happy?

Fitz: Keefe tripped and fell in the parking lot.

~~~~~~~

Biana: My boyfriend is too tall for me to kiss him on the lips. What should I do?

Marella: Punch him in the stomach, then, when he doubles over in pain, kiss him.

Maruca: Tackle him.

Stina: Dump him.

Sophie: Kick him in the shin.

Tam: NO TO ALL OF THOSE. JUST ASK ME TO LEAN DOWN.

~~~~~~~

Mr. Forkle: How’re you doing, Tam?

Tam: Not too well. I have this headache that comes and goes.

Keefe: *walks into the room*

Tam: Ah, there it is again.

~~~~~~~

Keefe: I’m so useless.

Sophie: No you’re not!  
Dex: You can be used as a bad example.

~~~~~~~

Grady: Sophie, what is that?

Sophie: A KNIFE!!!!!!

Grady: okay have fu--

Edaline: NO

~~~~~~~

Sophie: Hi, welcome to Applebees, would you like the apples, or the bees?

Sandor:...bees?

Sophie: HE HAS SELECTED THE BEES

Sandor: w-wait, I--

Keefe: *walks in, aggressively shaking a jar of bees*

Sandor: WAIT--

~~~~~~~

Keefe: hey do you want to-- stop screaming it’s just me-- do you want to watch Harry Potter with me

Fitz: I AM IN THE SHOWER

Keefe: ok well when you’re done do you want to watch Harry Potter with me

~~~~~~~

Alden: I need a five letter word for “disappointment.”

Cassius: Keefe.

Keefe: 

Alden:

Alden: …. It fits….

~~~~~~~

Linh: If you took a shot for every bad decision you’ve ever made, how drunk would you be?

Biana: Maybe a little bit tipsy?

Tam: Drunk.

Keefe: Wasted.

Sophie: Dead.

~~~~~~~

*At Everglen*

Biana: Hello, people who do not live here.

Sophie: Hi.

Linh: Hey!

Tam: Hey.

Keefe: ‘Sup.

Wylie: Yooo!

Fitz: I gave you that key for eMERgEnCiEs

Dex: We were out of doritos.

~~~~~~~

Sophie: I’m gonna play a song for you all right now.

Sophie: It’s called, “My Life So Far”.

Sophie: *takes deep breath, bangs the cymbal*

Sophie: *high pitched screaming* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

~~~~~~~

Biana: I like Tam.

Sophie: Water is wet. I haven’t slept in 86 hours. Flesh wounds hurt. Sandor is strong. Keefe is hot.

Biana: What?

Sophie: Sorry, thought we were listing obvious things.

Keefe: Did you say I’m hot?

~~~~~~~

Fintan: I could kill you right now.

Sophie: Yeah, so could any other elf. So could a human being.

Fintan: 

Sophie: So could a dog.

Fintan:

Sophie: so could a dedicated duck.

Fintan:

Sophie: You aren’t special, Fintan.

~~~~~~~

Fitz: did it hurt?

Sophie: when I fell from heaven?

Fitz: No. When you fell down the stairs, like two seconds ago.

Sophie:

Fitz: Do we need to call Elwin

~~~~~~~

Keefe: Here you are, Mr. Forkle, a nice hot cup of coffee!

Mr. Forkle: Oh, it’s cold.

Keefe: A nice cup of coffee.

Mr. Forkle: It’s horrible!

Keefe: Cup of coffee.

Mr. Forkle: I’m not even sure this is coffee!

Keefe: Cup.

~~~~~~~

Sophie: I DO WHAT I WANT!

Fitz: I’m telling Sandor.

Sophie: no wait

~~~~~~~

Sophie: Since it’s impossible for me to know how long I’m going to live, or which part of my life is the middle, I’ve decided to have an ongoing crisis.

Keefe: Good idea. I’ll join you.

~~~~~~~

Dex: I FIXED IT I FIXED IT I--

Biana: What did you fix?

Dex: EVERyTHING

*loud explosion from above*

Dex: ….eXCEPT THAT--

~~~~~~~

Sophie: Say yes to drugs

Fitz: say no to drugs

Keefe: It doesn’t matter what you say to drugs

Keefe: because if you’re talking to drugs, you’re on drugs.

~~~~~~~

Mr. Forkle: Let’s talk about the emotions you guys are feeling right now, shall we? 

Tam: stabbing.

Mr. Forkle: Stabbing isn’t really an emotion it’s more an activity…

Tam: 

Mr. Forkle: ...that I hope you don’t do to anyone here….

Tam:

Mr. Forkle: See, an emotion is more of a feeling--

Tam: Well, maybe I feel stabby.

~~~~~~~

Ro: You’re pretty dumb.

Keefe: Thanks.

Ro: Why are you thanking me? I just insulted you.

Keefe: All I heard was “You’re pretty”. I’m focussing on the positives in life.

~~~~~~~

Sophie: You think I can’t fight because I’m a girl.

Mr. Forkle: No, I think you can’t fight because that wedding dress has a twelve foot train. For what it’s worth, I don’t think Keefe could fight in that dress either.

Keefe: No, but I would make a radiant bride.

~~~~~~~

Linh: You have no idea what I’m capable of!

Fintan: Don’t take this personally, but I feel like I’m being threatened by a cupcake.

~~~~~~~

Keefe: I love this picture of our squad. We look so happy.

Marella: Where’s Tam?

Keefe: He wasn’t part of the squad yet. That’s why we were so happy.

~~~~~~~

Sophie: So, what’s Keefe’s type?

Biana: Blonde, oblivious, reckless, good sense of humor, telepath.

Sophie: Huh. Sounds kind of like me. Too bad we’re just friends.

Biana: Did I mention oblivious?

Sophie: Yeah, why?

Biana: Just checking.

~~~~~~~

Mr. Forkle: Fitz, what have I told you about comparing Alvar to the Devil?

Fitz:... that it’s offensive to the devil????

~~~~~~~

Sophie: Um, why does Tam look so upset?

Linh: He took that “Which Keeper Of The Lost Cities Character Are You?” Quiz.

Sophie: Yeah? Who’d he get?

Linh: *giggling* Keefe.

~~~~~~~

Sophie: Fitz is choking, I need to call 911 but the 9 button isn’t working!

Keefe: Turn it upside down and use the 6!!!

Sophie: Genius!

Fitz: *stops choking momentarily* What the heck

~~~~~~~

Keefe: Alright, give me your hair dryer.

Sophie: What?

Ro: What are you talking about?

Keefe: Don’t you carry one in your purse?

Ro: Have you ever met a real woman?

Keefe: *calls Biana*

Keefe: *to Biana* Hey, do you carry a hair dryer in your purse?

Biana: Of course, I’m not an animal.

~~~~~~~

Linh: Tammy, why are you like this?

Tam: I used too much “No More Tears” shampoo as a child and haven’t felt a single emotion since then.

~~~~~~~

Emery: We’ve got to find a way to cut down on expenses. What can we live without?

Keefe: Probably Tam.

~~~~~~~

Biana: What is your secret to always staying down-to-earth?

Sophie: Well, I mean…

Sophie:... gravity.

~~~~~~~

Sophie: You tricked us!

Gisella: I deceived you. “Tricked” makes it sound like we have a playful relationship.

~~~~~~~

Keefe: When have I ever done anything rash or irresponsible?

Dex: I keep a list.

Keefe:

Dex: It’s alphabetized.

~~~~~~~

Keefe: You read my diary?!?!?!!?

Tam: At first, I didn’t realize it was your diary. I thought it was just a very sad handwritten novel.

~~~~~~~

Sophie: Oh no. You’re getting an idea, aren’t you?

Keefe: Yeah.

Sophie: Is it gonna get me in trouble?

Keefe: Maybe.

Sophie: Is this idea going to cause me physical pain?

Keefe: Yeah, definitely. 

Sophie:.... Let’s do it.

~~~~~~~

Sophie: *teaching Tam how to drive* 

Sophie: Okay, so, you’re driving, and Keefe and Biana walk onto the road. Quick, what do you hit?

Tam: Definitely Keefe. I could never ever hurt Biana.

Sophie: 

Sophie: The brakes, Tam. You hit the brakes.

~~~~~~~

Tam: How did you find me?

Linh: *pissed off at her brother* It was easy! I just listened for the sound of complete and utter betrayal and followed that.

~~~~~~~

Fitz: Please, no one wants to see your legs.

Keefe: you keep that up and for every insult I’m gonna roll up my pant legs and by the end of this encounter I’ll be wearing Booty Shorts.

~~~~~~~

Keefe: *kisses Sophie*

Sophie: *kisses Keefe*

Dex: *crunches corn chip*

Sophie: Dex! How long have you been standing there?

Dex: An hour.

Keefe: *bright red* AN HOUR????

Dex: I have mastered the ability of standing so still I become invisible to the human eye.

~~~~~~~

Fitz: Okay, gentlemen, let’s settle this once and for all. *points at Keefe’s shirt* What color is this?

Tam: It’s light gray.

Wylie: gray.

Dex: It’s gray.

Fitz: Okay, now tell them what color you think it is.

Keefe: *very quietly* Dark white…

~~~~~~~

Sophie: *holding large box* So what would you guys say if I came back one day with six kittens.

Grady:

Grady: What’s in the box

Sophie:

Grady: Sophie, what’s in the box?

Sophie: Dad, I think you know.

~~~~~~~

Sophie: Is something burning?

Keefe: Just my desire for you ;) ;)

Sophie: Keefe, the stove is on fire

Keefe:

Sophie:

~~~~~~~

Fintan: I HAVE AN ARMY

Mr. Forkle: We have... Sophie.

~~~~~~~

Fitz: Don’t you realize you could die?

Sophie: I’m not going to die. I’m 17.

Fitz: And so you can’t die?

Sophie: I just don’t see it happening.

~~~~~~~

Keefe: Tam, somewhere out there a tree is endlessly producing oxygen to keep you alive.

Tam:

Keefe: I think you owe it an apology.

~~~~~~~

Cashier: Can I help you with anything?

Linh: *slams bag of birdseed onto counter* How long does it take for these tiny things to grow into birds???

~~~~~~~

Sophie: Rules are made to be broken.

Fitz: Nothing is made to be broken.

Biana: Um, Pinatas

Linh: Glowsticks!

Tam: Karate Boards

Keefe: Me!

Dex: Spaghetti when you have a small pot

Sophie: Rules

~~~~~~~

Fitz: What are you even doing, Alvar?

Alvar: *sarcastically* worshipping Satan, obviously

Fitz: seems a bit conceited to worship yourself, but whatever makes you happy.

~~~~~~~

Edaline: So, what did you have for dinner?

Della: a fruit salad.

Della: It was mostly grapes.

Della: okay, it was all grapes.

Della: fermented grapes

Edaline:...

Della: … it was wine. 

Della: I had wine for dinner.

~~~~~~~

Sophie: Raise your hand if you thought I was dating Keefe

Sophie:

Sophie: Keefe put your hand down

~~~~~~~

Sophie: I miss you like the desert misses the rain.

Fitz: oh, Sophie, that’s so sweet, I--

Sophie: I’ve adapted to existence without you, buried everything we made together, and prolonged exposure to you would be disastrous.

~~~~~~~

Sophie: Biana and Tam sitting in a tree

Tam: Sophie get away from me

Keefe: First comes looove, then comes marriage--

Biana: And a guy named Keefe with spinal damage.

~~~~~~~

Grady: Come on, Alden, I wasn’t that drunk last night.

Alden: You were flirting with Edaline.

Grady: So what? She’s my wife.

Alden: You asked her if she was single.

Grady: 

Alden: You cried when she said she wasn’t.

~~~~~~~

Biana: Being away from you is like being away from mallowmelt

Tam: Can you stop flirting with me by comparing me to food

~~~~~~~

Sophie: *laughs hysterically at one of Keefe’s jokes*

Keefe: See? She thinks I’m funny!

Fitz: Someone has to.

~~~~~~~

Alden: And if you see Biana, give her this message.

Alden: *makes neutral face*

Alden: She’ll know what it means.

*Later*

Fitz: Oh, Biana, Dad said to give you a message.

Biana: *looks up from hot gluing sequins to Sophie’s armor*

Fitz: *makes neutral face*

Biana: Oh no. The neutral face of displeasure.

~~~~~~~

Dex: Keefe, you’re a genius!

Keefe: I get called that a lot.

Dex: what, a genius?

Keefe: No. Keefe.

~~~~~~~

Keefe: So I ruined everything.

Keefe: Because that’s what I do.

Keefe: I ruin things.

~~~~~~~

Sophie: but do you like me or do you like like me?

Keefe: *literally down on one knee proposing* take a random guess.

~~~~~~~

Fitz: Hey, Biana, would you pass the salt?

Biana: *throws Tam across the table*

~~~~~~~

Sophie: Come on, bro, I wasn’t that drunk.

Dex: You tried to color my face with highlighter because you said I was important.

Sophie: *tearing up* BUT YOU ARE!!!!

~~~~~~~

Dex: What are you, five?

Fitz: *snorts* yeah. Five heads taller than you.

Dex:

Fitz:

Fitz: I’m sorry please don’t kill me--

~~~~~~~

Alden: Alright, folks, listen up. We have a situation here, also, from now on we’re using code-names. You will address me as “Eagle One.”  
Alina’s codename is “Been There, Done that.”  
Della is “Currently Doing that.”  
Edaline is “It happened once in a dream”  
Grady’s codename is “If I had To Pick A Dude”  
And Bronte is………”Eagle Two.”

Bronte: Oh thank God.

~~~~~~~

Biana: If I were a drink, I’d be hot chocolate! If you were a drink, what would you be?

Sophie: Redbull mixed with espresso.

Tam: Bleach.

Keefe: Sewage.

Biana: Alright, calm down, edgelords.

~~~~~~~

Tam: Mr. Forkle, how do I get revenge on those who have wronged me?

Mr. Forkle: “The best revenge is letting go and living well”

Tam:

Tam:

Tam: Grady, how do I get--

~~~~~~~

Fitz: *taps table*

Dex: *taps back*

Grady: What the heck are they doing?

Edaline: Morse Code.

Fitz: *aggressively taps table*

Dex: *slams hands on table* YOU TAKE THAT BACK--

~~~~~~~

Biana: I wish I had the ability to make boys really nervous…

Marella: Holding a knife to their throat usually works for me.

~~~~~~~

Shannon Messenger: I love all my characters equally! Sophie Foster, Fitz Vacker, Keefe Sencen, and…

Shannon: *studies smudged writing on hand*

Shannon: 

Shannon: Fex Fizzy.

~~~~~~~

Biana: What’s a synonym for catastrophe?

Tam: Keefe.

~~~~~~~

Linh: Is it okay if I swear?

Marella: Yeah, honey. Go right ahead.

Linh: F

Marella: Go on.

Linh: I’m nervous.

~~~~~~~

Keefe: *sneaks in the window at 2 a.m.*

Edaline: *flicking on the light and turning around in her chair* So, where were you?

Keefe: I-I was with Sophie!

Sophie: *turning around in her own chair* Want to try again?

~~~~~~~

Tam: Why can’t dinosaurs clap their hands?

Sophie: Because their hands are too sma--

Biana: Because they’re all dead.

Tam: You complete me.

~~~~~~~

Della: Fitz, did you eat all the donuts?

Fitz: No.

Della: why are you lying to me? I can see the powder on your pants.

Fitz: *panicking* That is cocaine.

~~~~~~~

Dex: I’m afraid of bees.

Keefe: Soon every letter of the alphabet will scare you.

~~~~~~~

Sophie: My mind is like an internet browser.

Biana: Explain.

Sophie: 15 tabs are open, 7 of them are frozen, and I don’t have a clue where the music's coming from.

~~~~~~~

Keefe: It costs like $400 to go to a therapist but it costs nothing to tell myself it be like that sometimes.

Tam: Keefe. No.

~~~~~~~

Sophie: We need a distraction!

Dex: I have an idea, but it involves Biana punching people!

Biana: *grins*

~~~~~~~

Mr. Forkle: You’ll do great. I have total faith in you guys!

*Sophie, Fitz, Keefe, and Tam leave*

Mr. Forkle: There is a 54% chance they will all die.

~~~~~~~

Keefe: In the end, we are all human beans.

Sophie: And together, we will rice.

Tam: Lettuce pray.

Keefe: Ramen.

Biana: *wipes tears from her eyes* THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL!

Fitz:.......what did I just witness

~~~~~~~

Sophie: Music is just wiggling air.

Fitz: *covers ears with hands* Don’t do this. Don’t do this to me today.

Biana: and color is just wiggling light.

Keefe: *upside down on the couch* Artists and musicians are just magicians of the wiggle.

Tam: *crying* Please stop

Linh: Wiggle.

~~~~~~~

Tam: I prevented a murder today.

Biana: Wow, that’s amazing! How did you do that?

Tam: Self control.

~~~~~~~

Mr. Forkle: Heyo, kids! What’s trending, nowadays?

Tam: Pain.

~~~~~~~

Keefe: and then I jumped off the roof, unscathed.

Sophie: You’re bleeding in so many places….

Keefe: okay, I’m a little bit scathed.

~~~~~~~

*playing scrabble*

Keefe: I will put down my A to make “A”.

Biana: I will add to your “A” to make “AT”.

Tam: I will add to your “AT” to make “RAT”.

Sophie: *tired and having read a dictionary in her youth because she was unnecessarily nerdy* I will add onto your “RAT” to make “BIOSTRATIGRAPHIC”. 

Keefe: *flips the board*

~~~~~~~

Tam: Were you dropped on your head as a child?

Keefe: Bold of you to assume I was held.

~~~~~~~

Biana: Tam… are you… crying?

Tam: What? No. This is eyeball sweat.

~~~~~~~

Fintan: You’re too late now, you meddlesome teenagers! You’ll never stop me now!

Fitz: That’s where you’re wrong, evil-doer! We will stop you with the powers of:

Biana: Friendship!

Keefe: Harmony!

Sophie: Incredible violence.

Linh: And Love!!!

~~~~~~~

Alden: Remember, Children, Murder is never the answer.

Fitz: Of course not.

Fitz: It is the question.

Biana: *sharpening knives* And the answer is yes.

~~~~~~~

Keefe: You can say “Have a nice day” without a problem

Keefe: But you cannot say “Enjoy the next 24 hours” without sounding threatening.

Fitz: How did you get in my room?

~~~~~~~

Sophie: If I cut off my leg and swing it at your head, am I hitting you or kicking you? 

Marella: You’ll most likely mentally scar me more than anything.

~~~~~~~

Keefe: One year ago today, I married my best friend.

Edaline: awww

Keefe: Sophie’s still mad about it, but Fitz and I were Drunk and thought it was funny.

~~~~~~~

Sophie: Hey dad can we get McDonald’s?

Grady: What did your mom say?

Sophie: She said no.

Grady: So why are you asking me?

Sophie: ‘Cause she’s not the boss of you.

Grady: *internally* it’s a trap iT’S A TRAP IT’S A TRAP IT’S A TRAP

~~~~~~~

Sophie: Are you implying that I occasionally stray from the rule book?

Emery: I’m implying that you do not possess the rule book. And if you do, you have certainly never opened it.

~~~~~~~

Alden: Don’t panic! I’m in charge!

Fitz: THAT’S EXACTLY WHY WE’RE PANICKING

~~~~~~~

Sophie: I overslept.

Linh: ...it’s 4:30 in the afternoon???

~~~~~~~

Tam: If you had to separate your dog from 49 other identical dogs that were all equally excited to see you, how would you determine which dog was yours?

Linh: I would take all 50 dogs home and live like a queen.

~~~~~~~

Biana: WHAT ARE ALL THESE DEAD BODIES DOING HERE????!?!?!?!?

Tam: *nudging one with foot* Honestly? Not much. 

~~~~~~~

Linh: Does this make me a bad person?

Marella: Linh, there is no force on earth that could make you a bad person.

~~~~~~~

Sophie: Tam, you have to get up.

Tam: I’m not sleeping, I’m dead.

Tam: Leave flowers and get out.

~~~~~~~

Gisela: I am going to destroy your happiness, whatever the cost!

Keefe: My happiness?

Keefe: *looks to Sophie* Am I happy?

~~~~~~~

Sophie: I don’t even know what to say!

Keefe: *narrating* Despite not knowing what to say, Sophie proceeded to yell at me for the next 38 minutes.

~~~~~~~

Marella: *pulls out a dagger*

Linh: oh no

Marella: *opens box with dagger*

Linh: oh, okay.

Marella: *pulls a bigger dagger out of the box*

Linh: oh no--

~~~~~~~

Marella: *reading from fortune cookie* “If you kill a killer, the number of killers in the world stays the same.

Sophie: *mouth full of takeout* Kill two.

~~~~~~~

Keefe: You’re doing it wrong!

Dex: I’m not taking advice from you! You pronounce the g in “lasagna”!

~~~~~~~

Linh: So, Keefe, tell us about your family.

Keefe: I have one.

~~~~~~~

Tam: What am I allergic to?

Biana: Pollen. And the full spectrum of human emotion.

~~~~~~~

Sophie: Dex, I love the whole “good cop/bad cop” thing you and Stina have going.

Dex: It’s not really a “thing”. It’s more that I’m nice and Stina is not.

~~~~~~~

Mr. Forkle: Time to attack the Neverseen!!!!

Biana: No turning back.

Keefe: I hope I get some serious burns.

Sophie: I’m hoping for some mauling, like on my shoulder or lower back.

Dex: Yeah! It’s only fun if you get a scar out of it!

Marella: Yeah, no kidding, right? Pain. Love it.

Keefe: Oh great, who let her in?

~~~~~~~

Stina: I think you owe me an apology.

Dex: I’ll apologize to you in hell!!!

Dex: I actually don’t know what this is about.

Dex: Sorry I took such a hard stance.

~~~~~~~

Fintan: Tell us where Sophie Foster and the Cache are, and we’ll burn your city to the ground.

Biana: Er… don’t you mean “or”?

Fintan: FINE! Tell us where Sophie Foster and the Cache are, OR we’ll burn your city to the ground.

Marella: Well, which is it? That seems like a pretty crucial conjunction if you ask me.

~~~~~~~

Keefe: Remember that time you dared me to like the swing set?

Sophie: No, I said, “Keefe, don’t lick the swing set,” and you said, “Don’t tell me what to do” and then you licked the swing set.

~~~~~~~

Tam: You better stop raising your voice at me RIGHT now!

Biana: Or what?

Tam: I’ll … I’ll cry and I really don’t want to be embarrassed right now.

~~~~~~~

Alden: I’m not like regular dads. I’m a cool dad, right, Fitz?

Fitz: Please stop talking.

~~~~~~~

Fitz: *walks into Everglen* Hi Mum!

Tam: *following Fitz* Hi, Mrs. Vacker!

Keefe: *enters from other side of the room* What’s up?

Della: Hello, youngest son and his two friends who never seem to hang out at their own homes.

~~~~~~~

Keefe: I’m such an idiot.

Sophie:

Keefe:

Sophie:

Keefe:

Sophie:

Keefe:

Sophie: If you’re waiting for me to disagree with you, it’s gonna be a long night.

~~~~~~~

Marella: How would you like your coffee?

Linh: As dark and bitter as my soul.

Marella: One Vanilla Latte with extra sugar and whipped cream coming right up.

~~~~~~~

Sophie: Could you do a small favor for me?

Keefe: I would literally kill for you but go on.

~~~~~~~

*On a Date*

Biana: You’re late.

Tam: You’re stunning.

Biana:..... You’re forgiven.

~~~~~~~

Cassius: Never yell at your kids. Take the time to calmly explain to them exactly how much you regret becoming a parent.

~~~~~~~

Biana: You got the stuff?

Linh: *opens box to reveal seven puppies*

Biana: Didn’t I order eight?

Linh: Sorry, Bee, I’m just the delivery girl *her shirt barks excitedly*

~~~~~~~

Sophie: Elwin said I’m perfectly fine. Except for this burn scar. And this broken rib. Which is right next to two other broken ribs.

Fitz: ...did Elwin clear you or not?

Sophie: No he did not!!! *claps hands* let's get to work!

Fitz: Sophie no--

~~~~~~~

Keefe: I wasn’t injured. I was lightly stabbed.

Sophie: I’m sorry, YOU WERE STABBED????

Keefe: Lightly stabbed. I didn’t want to frighten you.

~~~~~~~

Tam: I drink to forget but I always remember…

Dex: You’re drinking Capri Sun.

~~~~~~~

Sophie: What are we gonna do?

Keefe: I don’t know. Maybe pizza?

Sophie:

Keefe:

Sophie: About the Neverseen, Keefe.

~~~~~~~

Tam: Your smile? It makes my day.

Biana: Your happiness? I live for that.

Keefe: A room? Get one.

Sophie: HOTEL? TRIVAGO.

~~~~~~~

Sophie: I want to be a caterpillar

Biana: Explain.

Sophie: Eat a lot, sleep for a while, wake up beautiful.

Biana: You know they have a lifespan of like two weeks, right?

Sophie: That’s another benefit.

Linh: Sophie, no--

~~~~~~~

Grady: I’m not going to be mad, just tell me why you have a fake ID.

Linh: *mumbling*

Grady: What?

Linh: You have to be over 18 to hold the puppies at Petco.

Grady: ……. . . . . . . . . . . .

~~~~~~~

Mr. Forkle: Wow, it’s been a long day. I need a drink. Something to take the edge off.

Tam: Bleach.

Mr. Forkle:

Mr. Forkle: Tam do we need to talk

~~~~~~~

Sophie: Ouch, my armkle.

Mr. Forkle: your what?

Fitz: *without looking up* her wrist.

~~~~~~~

Mr. Forkle: So, what’s your reason for joining the Black Swan?

Fitz: My love of justice.

Linh: My wish to save the world.

Sophie: You asked me to. And people keep trying to kill me.

Keefe: Sophie looked at me for about ten seconds that one day.

~~~~~~~

Sophie: My anxiety is killing me today.

Biana: Fight itttttt

Sophie: Kind of hard to fight it when you’re on the edge of a panic attack.

Dex: Well, don’t do that.

Sophie: Thanks, I can feel the anxiety flowing out of my body in waves. I am finally calm.

Biana:.... At least you still have your sarcasm.

~~~~~~~

Elwin: You fainted. Do you remember anything?

Sophie: Only the ambulance ride to the hospital.

Elwin: There was no ambulance, Fitz drove you.

Sophie: But I heard sirens?

Fitz: That was Keefe.

Keefe: I was WORRIED!

~~~~~~~

Tam: Why do I keep you around?

Linh: Because the alternative would be developing a conscience of your own.

~~~~~~~

Keefe: Hi do you sell happy meals?

Server: We do.

Keefe: yeah so can I just get the happy without the meal

Server:

Keefe: please

~~~~~~~

Biana: What’s the wifi password

Mr. Forkle: ….this is an important meeting.

Biana: *typing* this…... is… an… important…….

~~~~~~~

Fitz: can I be frank with you guys?

Keefe: sure but I don’t know how changing your name is going to help anything.

Linh: Can I still be Linh?

Keefe: Shh, let Frank speak.

~~~~~~~

Keefe: Do you think I could fit 15 marshmallows into my mouth at once?

Biana: You are a hazard to society.

Tam: And a coward. Do 20.

Sophie: *grabs marshmallow bag*

~~~~~~~

Tam: *enters room, looking disheveled* Sorry I’m late, I was doing stuff.

Keefe: *enters, also dishevelled and breathing hard* HE PUSHED ME DOWN THE STAIRS!!!!!

~~~~~~~

Alden: Fitz, will you take out the trash?

Fitz: Sure!

Alden: fITZ PUT ALVAR DOWN--

~~~~~~~

Sophie: Ugh, I need a cup of coffee…

Dex: You’ve already had six--

Sophie: I DIDN'T ASK HOW MANY I’VE HAD.

~~~~~~~

Keefe: So how tall are you?

Dex: Height is a social construct and--

Keefe: So you’re short.

~~~~~~~

Biana: Our policy is, if you see something, say something.

Linh: I saw a frog on the path yesterday.

Biana: Excellent! This is the kind of good work I want to see around here, people!

~~~~~~~

Sophie: If you tear more holes in a net, it would end up having fewer.

Fitz: STOP.

~~~~~~~

Biana: Do you like my outfit?

Tam: Not as much as I like what’s under it.

Biana: *bright red* TAM!

Tam: …. I need your chair. Get up.

~~~~~~~

Tam: Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.

Elwin: Please never become a surgeon.

~~~~~~~

Stina: time sensitive question how to flirt with boy

Maruca: Throw rocks at him

Linh: Hot dog

Marella: kill him

Stina: thanks, guys.

~~~~~~~  
Keefe: I married my wife. I love saying, “My wife” it sounds so adult.

Keefe: “That’s my wife” it’s great, you sound like a person.

Sophie:

Sophie: ... i don’t know why I even try anymore.

~~~~~~~

Keefe: Pardon the intrusion but--

Cassius: On this moment or just my life in general?

~~~~~~~

Linh: I am very small.

Linh: And I have no money.

Linh: So you can imagine the kind of stress I’m under.

Fintan:

~~~~~~~

Biana: *kicks G off “Graveyard” sign* 

Biana: Let’s get this party started!

Tam: 

~~~~~~~

Dex: Okay, let’s just, like, both say sorry on the count of three.

Stina: okay.

Dex: 1, 2, 3--

Stina:

Dex:

Dex: See, now I’m disappointed in the both of us.

~~~~~~~

Biana: Do you miss the imagination of childhood?

Keefe: I didn’t have one.

Biana: An Imagination or a childhood?

~~~~~~~

Sophie: Things have actually been going really well with Fitz lately. Our friendship is in a really good place.

Sophie: For instance, Last week I said, “Did you know the weiner dog is neither a weiner or a dog?” and instead of saying, “Shut up, Sophie,” he said “Okay.”

Keefe: Wow. Impressive.

~~~~~~~

Sophie: I like your shirt.

Keefe: *remembers girls like bad boys* I stole it *remembers that girls also like nice guys* From an old man I was helping walk across the street.

~~~~~~~

Biana: Did Tam just tell me he loved me for the first time?

Linh: Yeah, he did.

Biana: And did I do finger guns back?

Linh: Yeah, you did.

~~~~~~~

Cassius: You’re a Lying, cheating piece of flaredon poop! You’re not the woman I married!

Gisela: Fine, then! We’re getting a divorce! And I’m taking the kid!

Alden: *pushing the monopoly board away from them* Maybe… we should take a break…

~~~~~~~

Sophie: I relate to Belle because she loves books and likes people for who they are.

Keefe: I relate to Tinkerbelle because she needs attention or she dies.

~~~~~~~

Mr. Forkle: Name one time I haven’t acted professional.

Alden: You’re holding a Juice Box right now.

Mr. Forkle: It’s to stop me from spilling my juice!

~~~~~~~

Dex: *dials 911* 

Dex: Hey, hate to be that guy, but I glued myself to the ceiling again.

~~~~~~~

Biana: *signs legal document with a glitter pen*

Alden: Why do I even try anymore--

~~~~~~~

Sophie: Rules were made to be broken!

Fitz: Yeah, well, bodies weren’t!

~~~~~~~

Keefe: you will machete through this!

Keefe: make it*

Keefe: do not machete your way through this.

Tam: Too late.

~~~~~~~  
Dex: Welcome to my first vlog in which I will try different hair products!

Dex: *sprays hairspray in his mouth*

Dex: Okay well, right off the bat, I can tell you that this one is not very good.

~~~~~~~

Marella: *sharpens knife* We’ve got ways of making people talk.

Marella: *cuts cake*

Alvar: ...Can I have some?

Marella: Cake is for talkers.

~~~~~~~

Sophie: I wasn’t hurt that bad.

Sophie: Elwin said all the bleeding was internal.

Sophie: That’s where the blood’s supposed to be.

~~~~~~~

Keefe: I’m sorry, you’re under arrest for robbery.

Sophie: What did I steal?

Keefe: *trying not to cry* mY hEart.

~~~~~~~

Keefe: My dad always said, “If all the other kids are jumping off a cliff, you should, too.”

Linh: He really said that?

Keefe: He’s not a nurturer.

~~~~~~~

Alden: Keefe, did I ever tell you you’re like the son I never had?

Keefe: Really, Mr. Vacker?

Alden: Yes, it’s because you’re so unlike the son I did have! 

Alden: And here he is! Come over here, Fitz!

Fitz: Dad, c’mon. You know how embarrassing it is when you brag about me by belittling others.

~~~~~~~

Sophie: You know, cleaning is really weird.

Fitz: oh no.

Sophie: You’re just moving dirt out of your house.

Fitz: 

Sophie: To make room for the dirt you’ll bring in tomorrow.

Fitz: *high pitched screech*

~~~~~~~

Sophie: Mom, what do you think the meaning of life is?

Edaline: CRUSH YOUR ENEMIES!!!

Sophie:

Edaline: Or, y’know, having a family.

~~~~~~~

Tam: Am I in trouble?

Linh: Take a guess.

Tam: No?

Linh: Take another guess.

~~~~~~~

Linh: Y’know, not every problem can be solved with a sword.

Marella: That’s why I carry two swords.

~~~~~~~

Keefe: I’m ten times funnier and cuter than you are.

Dex: Ten times zero is still zero.

Keefe: Jokes on you, I can’t do math

~~~~~~~

Mr. Forkle: Okay so maybe playing “whose family is most dysfunctional” wasn’t the best idea we’ve ever had.

Della: 

Mr. Forkle: Keefe’s been crying on the floor of the bathroom for an hour. We can’t get him out.

~~~~~~~

Dex: Stina! My face is on fire!

Stina: Dex! Are you okay?

Dex: Oh. Yes, I’m fine. I just said that to make sure you’d come in here quickly. 

Stina: But your face IS on fire. 

Dex: Yes. It’s much faster than shaving.

~~~~~~~

Jolie: BRANT! STOP! YOU’VE GONE MAD WITH POWER!

Brant: Well of course I have.

Brant: Have you ever tried going mad without power?

Brant: It’s boring.

~~~~~~~

Sophie: If you were to vacuum up jello through a metal tube, i think that would be a neat noise

Fitz: I beg to differ

Sophie: Then beg.

~~~~~~~

Keefe: *kicks down door looking panicked*

Grady: What did you do

Keefe: Nobody died

Grady: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!?!

~~~~~~~

Elwin: You often use humor to deflect trauma.

Keefe: Thank you

Elwin: i didn’t say it was a good thing

Keefe: What I’m hearing is, you think I’m funny.

~~~~~~~

Sophie: I’m starting to regret showing you how that blender works

Dex: *drinking toast* why do you say that?

~~~~~~~

Dex: .. .----. -- / ... --- .-. .-. -.-- [translation: I’M SORRY]

Stina: What's that?

Dex: Remorse code.

Stina: I'm even angrier now.

~~~~~~~

Biana: Elvish is a difficult language. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

Tam: You need to stop.

~~~~~~~

Linh: Tammy, it’s your turn to wash the dishes

Tam: I’LL WASh THE WALLS RED WITH YOUR BLOOD!!!!

Linh: kay, but before that, wash the dishes? And also use soap this time

~~~~~~~

Biana: Treat spiders the way you want to be treated.

Tam: Killed without hesitation.

Biana: no.

~~~~~~~

Sophie: Fuck.

Alden: We’ve got to work on your cursing

Sophie: Why? I’m pretty good at cursing already.

~~~~~~~

Tam: God give me patience.

Keefe: Don’t you mean, “God give me strength” instead?

Tam: If God gave me strength, you’d already be dead.

~~~~~~~

Gethen: You're 'the second worst thing to ever happen to those orphans', what does that mean?

Gisela: It means i was the second worst thing to happen to those orphans.

Gethen: but what’s the first worst thing?

*Awkward pause*

Gisela: Gethen, they...they weren’t always orphans.

Gethen:

~~~~~~~

Biana: This was a mistake

Fitz: *enthusiastic* A mistake we’re going to laugh about someday!

Biana: But not today

Fitz: *still enthusiastic* Oh, no. Today’s going to be a mess.

~~~~~~~

Keefe: Hey what do you call a fish with no eye?

Sophie: *not even looking up* Myxine Circifrons.

Keefe:

Keefe: fsh

~~~~~~~

Amy: I’m having a mid-life crisis!

Sophie: you’re like, 15.

Amy: I MIGHT DIE AT 30!

~~~~~~~

Marella: Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween! It’s terrible for the environment.

Tam: Yeah! Locally sourced, all-natural skeletons are much more environment friendly!

~~~~~~~

Oralie: How many kids do you have?

Edaline: Biologically, emotionally, or legally?

~~~~~~~

Keefe: I’m very fast at math

Dex: Alright. What’s 30 x 17?

Keefe: 47.

Dex: that’s not even remotely close.

Keefe: No, but it was fast.

~~~~~~~

Fitz: Can you be serious for 5 minutes?

Keefe: My record is 4, but I think I can do it.

~~~~~~~

Keefe: I turned out fine!

Sophie: Keefe, this morning, you thought a ghost made your toast.

Keefe: _I_ DIDN’T PUT THE BREAD IN!!!! _YOU_ DIDN’T PUT THE BREAD IN!!!!

~~~~~~~

Alden: *gets down on one knee*

Alina: Omg, it’s finally happening

Alden: *falls over*

Alina: The poison is kicking in

~~~~~~~

Biana: GO TO HELL

Tam: *tearing up* I wish I could…

~~~~~~~

Mr. Forkle: What’s your biggest weakness?

Tam: I can be uncooperative

Mr. Forkle: Can you give me an example?

Tam: no.

~~~~~~~

Keefe: You love me, right, Sophie?

Sophie: Normally, I’d say yes without hesitation, but this feels like it’s going somewhere and I don’t like it.

~~~~~~~

*date at lake, skipping rocks*

Stina: it’s such a beautiful night out

Dex: *whispering* take that you frickin lake

~~~~~~~

Biana: I actually have a black belt.

Tam: In what, Karate?

Biana: No. From Gucci.

~~~~~~~

Marella: Girl, I only ever see you awake, do you ever shut down or stop running?

Sophie: Oh, I’m always running. 

Sophie: The question is from what.

~~~~~~~

Sophie: I am not out of control! I’m a law abiding citizen!

Fitz: Oh really? Name one law.

Sophie: Don’t kill people?

Fitz: That’s on me. I set the bar too low.

~~~~~~~

Gisela: *addressing Neverseen* If you have any suggestions, feel free to put them in the suggestions box!

Fintan: That’s just a trash can

Gisela: It sure is!

~~~~~~~

Fitz: What are your goals?

Linh: to pet all dogs

Fitz: no, fitness goals.

Linh: To be able to run fast enough to pet all dogs.

~~~~~~~

Dex: Petition to remove the “d” in “Wednesday”

Sophie: Wednesay.

Dex: not what I had in mind, but I’m flexible.

~~~~~~~

Biana: How do I deal with my enemies?

Tam: Kill them

Biana: That’s a little extreme. I was hoping for something equally as powerful but more passive

Tam: Kill them only a little?

~~~~~~~

Dex: Hey, Tam, can I get a sip of your water?

Tam: It’s not water.

Dex: Oh. Purified Lushberry juice! I like your style!

Tam: It’s vinegar.

Dex: Wh-wha--

Tam: It’s vinegar, COWARD.

~~~~~~~

Linh: Jail is no fun, I can tell you that.

Gethen: Oh? You’ve been?

Linh: Once. In Monopoly.

~~~~~~~

Sophie: Everytime I hear someone talking about updog, I’m torn between not wanting to fall for it and wanting to help them complete their joke.

Linh: Okay, but what is updog?

Keefe: Updog is a long sausage in a bun, often served with ketchup, mustard, onions, and/or relish.

Dex: Not, that’s a hot dog. An updog is when a new version or patch of an application is released.

Marella: No, that's an update. You’re thinking of the fourth largest city in Sweden.

Fitz: Surely, that’s Uppsala, updog is the giant spider in Harry Potter.

Sophie: That’s Aragog. Updog is a symbol conventionally used for an arbitrarily small number in analysis proofs.

Dex: You’re thinking of epsilon. Updog is an upward-moving air current.

Marella: No, that’s an updraft. An updog is the modern version of a henway.

Linh: What’s a henway??

Sophie: Oh, about five pounds.

~~~~~~~

Vespera: Well, aren’t you all a rag-tag group of adventurers with unclear goals and good hearts! Oh, let me guess: you’re out to save the world!

Fitz: Well, actually, that sounds like a pretty fair assessment.

Sophie: More or less, I guess…

Keefe: That sounds awesome! Let’s do that!

Marella: I’m new here, but I am open to the concept.

Dex: I thought that’s what we were doing, guys, come on!

~~~~~~~

Keefe: We need to distract these guys

Sophie: Leave it to me

Sophie: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss.

Linh, Dex, and Biana: *Immediately begin arguing*

Fitz: *watching in horror* Oh this. I don’t like this. I don't like this at all.

~~~~~~~

Biana: Just be yourself.

Keefe: 'Be myself'? Bee, I have one day to win Sophie over. How long did it take before you guys started liking me?

Dex: Couple weeks.

Marella: Six months.

Tam: Jury’s still out.

Keefe: See, Biana?

Keefe: 'Be myself'. What kind of garbage advice is that?

~~~~~~~

Sophie: Dumbest scar stories, go!

Linh: I burned my tongue once drinking tea.

Biana: I dropped a hair dryer on my leg once and burned it.

Dex: I have a piece of graphite in my leg for accidentally stabbing myself with a pencil in the first grade.

Wylie: I was taking a cup of noodles out of the microwave and spilled it on my hand and I got a really bad burn.

Keefe:

Keefe: I have emotional scars.

~~~~~~~

Keefe: Would you guys be there for me if I was going through something?

Alden: Nope, absolutely not.

Emery: I hope it sucks, whatever you're going through.

Gisela: I hope it emotionally scars you for the rest of your life.

Cassius: I hope you reach out to me so I can ignore you.

Alina: I can't wait to go to your funeral, knowing I could've changed that outcome.

~~~~~~~

Biana: Tam, I’m sad.

Tam: *holds out arms for hug* It’s gonna be okay.

Sophie: Keefe, I’m sad.

Keefe: *nodding* mood.

~~~~~~~

Mr. Forkle: Is Tam sleeping or dead?

Keefe: Hopefully dead. I hated his guts.

Mr. Forkle: Yeah, me too.

Tam: Okay, first of all, screw you--

~~~~~~~

Linh: *banging on door* Tam! Open up!

Tam: It all started when I was a kid…

Linh: No, I meant-

Biana: Wait let him finish

~~~~~~~

Dex: Everyone, sychronize your watches

Linh: I don’t know how to do that

Keefe: I don’t wear a watch

Sophie: Time is a construct

~~~~~~~

Sophie, about Tam: So, apparently, We’re getting someone new in the group.

Keefe: Are we stealing them?

Dex: New or used?

Sophie: Wonderful responses, both of you.

~~~~~~~

Fitz: Why are you on the floor

Keefe: I’m depressed

Keefe: Also, I was stabbed. Get Elwin, please.

~~~~~~~


End file.
